The Funnel

Taking it all in. Letting some of it out.

Conversations with Chedeng

Usapang mag-lola kaninang tanghali habang nanonood ng Showtime.

(Nasa TV, nagpopromote si James Reid at Nadine Lustre ng bago nilang pelikula.)

Lola: Ay andyan pala ang mag-asawa.
Meryll: Ah, kinasal na pala sila? Kelan sila kinasal, La?
L: Ah hindi sila kasal. Diba nagli-live in sila.
M: Wala na bang diperensya ang kasal sa live-in?

Long pause.

M: Tapos sila ang tinitingala ng mga kabataan ngayon. Hindi ako magugulat kung sila Cj at Kevin (mga pamangkin ko sa pinsan), ay magsasabi balang araw na “Ah, ok lang pala mag live-in. Tingan mo si James at Nadine, tanggap naman sila ng mundo.” Ayan ang tinuturo natin sa mga kabataan natin ngayon. Wala na tayong hiya sa mata ng Diyos. Yan ang tinuturo ng TV. Tapos pag nasira ang buhay dahil sa maling relasyon, ano na?


Psalm 119:1
Blessed are those whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord.


There is anger in my heart

There is anger in my heart for us who claim to be followers of Jesus but have fallen to the trap of conforming to the patterns of the world. I am angry at how Satan has deceived us; at how we have embraced the lie that we know what God desires for us without truly listening to His Spirit and His Word. I am angry at the spirit behind the tongue that feeds subtle hints of darkness to those who have been called to and by the Light to be His children. I hate how subtle our culture blinds us from the truth.

I am angry at the insensitivities that rule the hearts of our fathers: men who claim to be lovers of Christ and yet seem to have a tighter grasp for things of this world than what is eternal. I hate whatever it is that leads us to invest in the temporary and that which removes the weight of eternal glory.

I am angry at our — at my mediocrity and our “pwede na” attitude that has caused us to water down the call of Christ to deny ourselves and seek Him only. We have… I have… been complacent with our followship that we are happy with saying, “I am saved, I am okay to just sit back and go through life, wait away.” There is a lack of courage to ask the question, “Am I truly walking as Jesus walked? (1 John 2:6)”

Jesus, please forgive me for my anger. Forgive us for our idolatry. Wash us and renew our minds, dear Holy Spirit and burn a fire so deep and bold that it destroys anything and anyone that takes your place in our hearts’ thrones. Amen.



Six years later

I need a prayer journal. I’ve thought about writing down my prayers, prayer requests, and prayer lessons on a single notebook. I struggle with how that would look like but I had an inclination that it will work best for me if I do it on a notebook that is unlined. I recall a thick notebook which I received a long, long time ago. I know that it was unlined and that it still had a lot of free pages in it. I pulled it off the shelf and opened to what was my 2011 in half a centimeter thick of pages.

I didn’t write a lot nor often in 2011. From what was on there, it seemed that my 2011 was a year that began hopeful and spiritually high; but one that ended lower than when it began.

The new year entry recorded how I was inspired to see God through the fireworks. The days that immediately followed it was filled with similar tones: thankfulness, blessedness and prayers for the year. I seemed to desire consistency in my personal bible study at the beginning of the year. I wrote down bible study insights and lessons. I even recalled a few sermons and BSF lessons.

Apparently, 2011 was the year I was asked to lead the Sunday night contemporary worship service. There were a few entries on how I struggled with the band’s devotion — more importantly, my own leadership by example. (I’m afraid I still struggle with this today.)

There were entries on my struggles at work – how I was disturbed by people pleasing and superficiality. There were a lot of entries on how I struggled with my career and purpose in what I do. It was a year when I struggled a lot with my weight and my incapacity to control my food intake. (I’ve made some progress here, thankfully.)

I wrote my struggles about family: a few fights were recorded. One was when DJ and I fought over a laptop. He needed to write a report for school and I wanted to play Angry Birds. I told him to take a shower first (so that I could play longer); to which he replied with a snappy comeback on how he will lose his motivation to write if he showered now. I was angry at his insubordination. I look back and hate that I use to be like that. How selfish and unreasonable I was. How quick to be angry we both were towards each other.

There was an entry on my pains about divisions in the church, one that was brought up after time spent with Tito Ghing who was still alive then. I seem to have been struck by his life because I recorded his love for the church and his heart for its people.

In 2011, I struggled with really knowing if I was saved or if I ever truly believed in Jesus. In one entry, I confessed my doubts. I struggled with being authentic to my bible study group, WFP.

The year ended with a poem. I took a photo to share with you.


My 2011 journal was written by a Meryll I can’t seem to remember. The events ring bells, but the heart beneath those words was written by a person so different from me now.

Today, six years later, I can see how God used that time in my life to lead me to questions I can never ask when I was still blinded to the truth. Six years later, I can testify that He has answered the prayers I’ve long been asking. Six years later, I see His unfailing faithfulness. I’m glad God allowed 2011 to happen the way it did.

Day 10: Traffic

I bet if each one of the 20-million+ Filipinos in the metro earned a peso for every time they use this word every day, we’d be able to raise enough funds to buy all those buses, taxis, jeepneys and tricycles who can’t seem to follow simple traffic rules. Let’s buy them to discard them. Traffic problem solved! Okay, maybe that was too harsh. Let’s just use the funds to buy more trains on the MRT. Better? Maybe.

Continue reading “Day 10: Traffic”

Day 9: Something that happened in a mall

For some weird reason, whenever Alma and I were together in a mall, my train would start moving. You know, the exit doors would open instantly. A call from the oval office. Everything inside get ready to go outside. Let me spell it out for you: bowel movement.

Continue reading “Day 9: Something that happened in a mall”

Day 8: Your worst birthday

Searching memory…



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